Wednesday, 17 September 2008

Week 24: Slimming Secrets of the Stars

With swimsuit season just around the corner, there are always concerns about getting into shape for photoshoots and random paid appearances.

I have taken a poor, unfortunate soul desperately in need of a makeover (at left), and will show you how my the Triple-A system (Adjusting your Attitude with Accessories!) can reveal the gorgeous creature you see at the right.

Phase 1 - striking a jaunty pose.
Phase 2 - sucking in rounded cheeks.
Phase 3 - it's all about the sunglasses.
Phase 4 - involved a fake tan, but obviously we didn't get that far.

So, yep, this is me in my maternity swimwear (shudder) at 24 weeks. The Huffalump (who may be the Champ's love child, judging by the strong kicks and the flurry to the solar plexus that I got last night (Chris even took a punch in the jaw!)) seems to be doing well... and active.

I tried swimming yesterday at lunch, in an effort to reduce the beating that my body's been taking at the gym lately, and decided that it's just not worth it, at least not on the days that I've taken the time to straighten my hair.

However, on the plus side, I didn't get harpooned.

Karen Explains Everything

On the 35-minute drive in to work each day, my mind has time to wander.

It really is a beautiful drive - rolling prairies (ok, they roll somewhat flatly), fields of cows, horses, antelopes and llamas, and the occasional coyote all make for interesting conversation starters.

I realized this morning, as I gazed upon some gorgeous antelopes, why animals are always so beautiful.

They eat well and exercise on a daily basis, resulting in beautiful lines and lean, rippling muscle.

And WHY do they live like this?

It's because they're naked!
Most wild animals don't have access to flowy skirts or distracting accessories, so they need to work extra hard to stay in shape, for esthetic reasons.


Wednesday, 10 September 2008

Week 23 Photoshoot

What with all the paparazzi, it's amazing that I'm able to get any work done at all, and that the Huffalump is able to perfect its kung-fu master skills...which it has. I could SEE the kicks last night. Yikes.

But anyhoo, it's good to know that everything looks fine (and irresistably cute!) and that the "little" one is growing well.

The adorable profile is still adorable! Awwww...

Monday, 8 September 2008

Sleep all day/Ralph all night

The adventures of the PDD (Perpetual Designated Driver) are in full swing!

This past weekend, I, the award-winning wiff (well, I SHOULD win an award!) banked enough sparkly things points to get me a full diamond tiara and matching drop earrings.

I went straight to bed at about 4:30 on Friday afternoon, for a wee nap. I woke up at 7:30, with my husband innocently looking at me and saying, “well, I would have woken you up sooner, but I figured that if you had a really long nap, you’d be able to stay up later tonight”. Ah. How… sweet.

We got to Ralph’s at 9 pm, for a combination going-away party and two birthdays. Ralph's Texas Bar and Steakhouse (actual motto: Life’s too short to go anywhere else) is a giant restaurant / sports bar / dance hall, specializing in country music and, apparently, shooters. By the time we arrived, the Medicine Hat All-Star Drinking Team (they even had matching t-shirts) was well oiled (they apparently started just as I lay down for my nap, to give you an idea), and the country tunes were a-blarin’. I drank heavily (water…water…water…), feeling quite inappropriate and out of place. This was partially due to my sobriety (which I’m still getting used to…not to mention that I was probably the only one at Ralph’s who wasn’t drinking!), and mostly due to the fact that, at 5 months pregnant, what the heck am I doing at a bar???

But I talked, I laughed, I two-stepped with two different men (getting the hang of it, but will need more practice!), and made it to about 12:30 before I decided that I really had to go home, not being drunk or anything. So I gathered up my Boozy Smurf, and headed for bed. Oh wait, no I didn’t. (I thought I had been smart, when, at dinner, I made sure there was enough leftover grilled cheese to soothe the hunger of a savage beastie, and prevent a stop “on the way home” for post-bar snacks. No dice.) We drove ALL THE WAY to Wendy’s for junior cheeseburgers. And then to bed.

Saturday was equally exhausting. An early morning phone call (hi Jenny!) got me up and… well, in front of Saturday morning tv (we got cable last Wednesday – it’s like a whole new world has opened up to me… for example, I watched an episode of Zoe 101. Kaff) until I roused the dragon for breakfast, which was at noon. The ‘lump wanted French toast, so we went to Perkins (yes! They have a Perkins in the Hat!) and greased ourselves up, then undertook 4 hours of comparison shopping for stereos, cribs, freezers, strollers, and towels. It was too much information, sensory input and excitement, and I was a zombie before we left the second store… and then I dragged my swollen self around after Chris for 3 more hours. Luckily, every store had a furniture section, which I made use of, by “testing” ottomans, sofas, recliners...while Chris did the work.

I was granted a 1-hour nap, before getting up and getting ready for – where else – Ralph’s again! Another birthday, but this one involved a steak dinner first (yay!) before the round after round of shooters. It seemed to be the same playlist as the night before, and I was able to go two-stepping again - and I think I’m improving! We stayed out till 1:30, then went back to another couple’s house so that everyone (else) could keep partying – I was propped up on a sofa with lots of pillows…and a glass of water…) and finally got home at about 2:30. What a wiff!

On Sunday, I suggested that we go to Ralph’s again, since we were on such a roll. I was denied.

Tuesday, 2 September 2008

Day 153: Beginning to suspect something

Dear Diary,

Something is definitely going on. Despite continued workouts, my previously-flat stomach has disappeared almost completely, and I find that it becomes more and more distended by the day.

Possible theories that I have considered include:

  • Having accidentally swallowed a balloon. I initially hypothesized that my arch-nemesis (and Sandwich Maker), 'Fis', had placed an uninflated balloon in my lunch, and was slowly filling it up with air by encouraging me to drink ginger ale, since my stomach wasn't feeling very good for the first few months. Yes! Bubbles from ginger ale! THAT would inflate it!!! The option was discarded; after all, I haven't had ginger ale lately, and it seems to continue to grow.

  • Increased caloric intake leading to insane rate of waistal expansion, to the point that skin is stretched taut across the bulbous protrusion. Flaws in this theory: that there may have been some more fried and salty foods initially, but that appetite has slowed down a great deal in the last 8 weeks.

  • Hernia. A very, very large hernia is causing this odd bulge in my abdominal wall. True, I have partaken in heavy-lifting-and-straining activities in the past, but with my current low levels of energy, the lifting I now do is but a ghost of what I did before. I seem to be constantly out of breath (alas! I have turned into that most foul of beings, the mouth-breather!). Curses.

  • A tumour. This, for quite a while, seemed to be the most likely answer. The rate of growth has not slowed, and the disproportionate expansion of the waistline only indicates that the condition is localized. Initial medical evaluations do not indicate malignancy, however.

  • Possession. This, I fear, is the explanation. The ever increasing...well, it can only be described as "activity" within makes me worry that I am housing some kind of wee beastie in my abdomen.* Yes, yes, laugh if you must; I would have laughed with you 21 short weeks ago, but now I believe that at some point, I will release some kind of red-faced, screaming demon into the world. And lord help us all.

I am concerned that this, whatever it is, will continue to grow, unabated, until I reach cartoonish proportions. I beg of you, please remember me as I used to be, not the caricature that I am quickly becoming.

* still suspect Fis' involvement, however.