Tuesday, 2 September 2008

Day 153: Beginning to suspect something

Dear Diary,


Something is definitely going on. Despite continued workouts, my previously-flat stomach has disappeared almost completely, and I find that it becomes more and more distended by the day.


Possible theories that I have considered include:



  • Having accidentally swallowed a balloon. I initially hypothesized that my arch-nemesis (and Sandwich Maker), 'Fis', had placed an uninflated balloon in my lunch, and was slowly filling it up with air by encouraging me to drink ginger ale, since my stomach wasn't feeling very good for the first few months. Yes! Bubbles from ginger ale! THAT would inflate it!!! The option was discarded; after all, I haven't had ginger ale lately, and it seems to continue to grow.


  • Increased caloric intake leading to insane rate of waistal expansion, to the point that skin is stretched taut across the bulbous protrusion. Flaws in this theory: that there may have been some more fried and salty foods initially, but that appetite has slowed down a great deal in the last 8 weeks.


  • Hernia. A very, very large hernia is causing this odd bulge in my abdominal wall. True, I have partaken in heavy-lifting-and-straining activities in the past, but with my current low levels of energy, the lifting I now do is but a ghost of what I did before. I seem to be constantly out of breath (alas! I have turned into that most foul of beings, the mouth-breather!). Curses.


  • A tumour. This, for quite a while, seemed to be the most likely answer. The rate of growth has not slowed, and the disproportionate expansion of the waistline only indicates that the condition is localized. Initial medical evaluations do not indicate malignancy, however.

  • Possession. This, I fear, is the explanation. The ever increasing...well, it can only be described as "activity" within makes me worry that I am housing some kind of wee beastie in my abdomen.* Yes, yes, laugh if you must; I would have laughed with you 21 short weeks ago, but now I believe that at some point, I will release some kind of red-faced, screaming demon into the world. And lord help us all.


I am concerned that this, whatever it is, will continue to grow, unabated, until I reach cartoonish proportions. I beg of you, please remember me as I used to be, not the caricature that I am quickly becoming.

* still suspect Fis' involvement, however.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Okay - you are starting to look like you are not purposely pushing your stomach out in order to make it look larger!
I vote for the possession theory...
Mommmmmm

Anonymous said...

She still KINDA looks like she is pushing her tummy out. Either that or she is bootylicious a la Beyonce!!

Aaron Whitman said...

Wow! I don't know what's more impressive, the bump or the backsplash. Hope you're not getting to many funny looks from the other fitness gurus in 'The Hat'.

Aaron Whitman said...

Wow! I don't know what's more impressive, the bump or the backsplash. Hope you're not getting to many funny looks from the other fitness gurus in 'The Hat'.