I am a woman of limited skills.*
Actually, that's not true. I have an amazing ability to rapidly achieve mediocrity in almost anything I've ever tried (can I be proud of that, please?), with the exceptions of snowboarding and competitive fitness.
Learning to snowboard (winter 2006) was a painful, slow, awful, steep, painful (did I say painful?) and humbling experience. On the 7th lesson of the 8-week program, I finally stayed on my feet for one entire S-curve. The rest of the time, my claim to fame was being to get up again very quickly after I wiped out, after spending only seconds (tenuously) upright. At one point, there was a pig-pile of about eight of us, despondent, dejected and bruised, watching a very old man slowly snowplow by us on skis. "Oh wow," someone breathed. "That looks awesome."
The other notable exception was competing in fitness. The whole thing is suspicious, frankly, and I don't think I'm out of line to call "shenanigan!" on it. First, what are the chances that my ongoing love of muscles, acrobatics, extreme bounciness and high heels could come together into one sport, just for me? It seems a bit too orchestrated, or intelligently-designed, if you will. And second, I'm still suspicious of a sport that I did so well in. If I was that good, it obviously can't be very hard, and thus I really shouldn't feel as ridiculously proud of my trophies as I do (the only trophies I've ever won, as you don't get trophies for mediocrity, apparently). To sum up, as it is a pretend sport that was apparently created just for me to make up for a childhood and adolescence devoid of any great performances (aside from the "I'm Short" speech of 2010), it really shouldn't count.
Hey, remember this look? Next time I go onstage, I'll make sure that my fake eyelashes aren't gluing one eye half-shut. I promise.
Which brings us to the ongoing struggle to develop new skills -- dare I say expertise -- as an adult. I did some research and decided to focus on an activity that I've worked on (and succeeded at, briefly) in the past: peeing in a cup.